My Unhealthy Relationship: A Confession

Last weekend, Kim told me to think about my relationship with food & journal about it. Well, my wheels have been spinning all week thinking about this. I have thought to this every day & have been collecting my thoughts & trying to sort them out.

Here's my truth...I like the taste of food, and I have always had a tremendous sweet tooth. I turn my nose up to very few foods. Maybe this is why I'm good at cooking & baking. Find me a chef who is not into food & flavor.

It's no great secret that my relationship w/ food is unhealthy. It always has been since I was a child & at 36 1/2 years old now, I look back at a life that I have spent caught in a viscous cycle of dieting down & gaining weight back over & over. I hate this cycle & I hate that I get close to my fitness goals, but have yet to reach them.

My thoughts are all over the place w/ this, so I'll do what I can to keep them organized & make sense here. But be warned, there are many.

Let me start by stating what I view as a Healthy relationship w/ food. Me eating food to use as nutrition for my body & me viewing food simply as nutrition. OK, so that's probably the extreme & my ideal healthy relationship w/ food. I am far from there, but I have thought about that idea daily all week long. "my food is nutrition"

During my brain storming this week, I thought about the term "emotional eating". It always sounds terrible to me, & I get visions of morbidly obese Biggest Loser contestants. That may certainly apply, but I also thought of holidays, special occasions, celebrations & rewards. These tend to come w/ good emotions. There's a wide variety of emotions that circle around food as the center piece. Holidays & food were huge partnership in my Italian home growing up. We looked forward to the food that grandma only cooked on certain holidays and the spreads were something to write home about. The reality was, food & tradition were huge holiday factors.

Even still, look at how birthdays, anniversaries or valentine's days are celebrated by planning a special dinner. Mother's day tends to be a brunch. See! There's more food at the center of it. Instead of the usual first celebratory thought of that special meal out, it should be more like, "Hey it's my Birthday...Let's go kayaking" That's the kind of re-wiring that I need to do. I never stopped to think about this stuff before now.

Growing up, when I ate, I over ate. I filled that plate up & ate it all. My eyes were usually bigger then my stomach. Whew, & then I'd unbutton that top button on my pants for some breathing room & then sit there having NO energy because my body was working so hard to digest all I had consumed. I HATED that feeling, too! HATED IT! And I haven't eaten like that since I don't know when. At least I gained control over that.

Something else occurred to me about food when I was a child. (I thought a lot about when I was growing up.) My mom used food as a reward. My mom would reward me after the visit to the orthodontist with a trip to McDonald's for a milk shake, & other similar scenarios. My mom was also an overweight woman. She too, liked food. She liked fast food & ice cream & desserts & who do you think was at her side? I won't bring ice cream in my house anymore because of my lack of self control. I'll revisit that carton in the freezer over & over for just one more spoonful. Who needs a bowl? My mom did the same thing. Learned Behavior?? Perhaps.

I have looked forward to desserts. I have awakened in the morning with my 1st thoughts being on the cake in the fridge or the ice cream in the freezer. And yes, I would fulfill that "desire". There are certain foods I know to stay away from because they just make me want more of them. "Just don't take that 1st bite, Amy"


I have munched when I was bored. Or maybe I was just lazy or feeling down. I have munched when I was depressed. I have munched when I was anxious with worry. I think it's safe to say this is emotional eating, but to be honest with you , I never saw it as that in the past. I never understood the term or idea. I thought I was addicted to food. But Duh, I guess that's emotional, isn't it? I hate the bondage!! And I'd love to not view food as a favorite past time.

If you ask me to describe how food made me feel when I binged, (no, I've never purged) or when I just snack for "no reason", I don't know what to say. Sincerely. I guess it would be an initial good feeling, like "mmmmm, that's good" but frankly, I wonder, thinking back, if I even really tasted" what I ate.

OK here's something to chew on. I used to say, jokingly, that I have oral fixation. I wasn't even sure I knew what it truly meant. But here's why ...When I was a baby & child, I was a thumb sucker. That was the 1st time I had to break a hard habit. Boy that was tough, too! When I was very young, I was always putting things in my mouth - Flintstones vitamins- almost the whole bottle. And other various things..my mom kept the poison control poster on the fridge so the phone # was readily available. LOL It's okay to laugh, this stuff it funny!! I have always been a nail biter, too. Not so much anymore because I have a little "germa-phobe" in me. But I still nibble on a nail when I'm thinking or fretting about something. I smoked on & off for years. I kicked smoking in 2008. No more on again- I tried (lame, I know) but I did try to keep them around. But I couldn't perform well on the treadmill and other forms of cardio. So, BUH-BYE smokes!! But, I am still a major gum chewer. There are worse things, yes. But I am aware of the behavior. The need to be doing something, chewing. So I looked up oral fixation. Holy sheesh! Maybe I was right all along. I just feel like, maybe I need to look at all of this if I want to overcome my bad eating habits.

So with all this swirling around in my head all week I'm thinking about the road ahead. I am wondering if it is wrong for me to ever look forward to a yummy meal or dessert. Would that be considered unhealthy? Or, when I get my physique to the shape I have dreamed about, will I no longer care about all those sinfully delicious foods? I can learn from my past, but I can change my future get a grasp on my relationship w/ food. I did it for most of last year, eating clean & getting in shape. Then depression set in around mid November & I had a tough time dealing & that's when I put some of the weight I'd lost, back on. I have already identified & corrected that problem. I was feeling hopeless & losing faith. I pushed God out of my life & tried to be in control of it all. I CAN'T do it all. He's so much better at it! This week I have reminded myself that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13